The other day, I lost a huge personal battle.
I've already given in to the temptations of gaucho pants, gigantic earrings, and unnecessarily large amounts of bronzer. Does it really matter if I give in to one more supposedly and inexplicably trendy thing that goes against all my morals and cultural expectations?
Except that this time, I joined Twitter.
Have you heard of Twitter?
Of course you have. Unless you've been living in a cave in the Mojave or you're my grandma or something. But just in case you have (or you are my grandma), I will explain.
One of the greatest and most wonderful things about Facebook is that it provides a place for users to put "statuses"and update them as they see fit.
Molly is... eating lunch.
Molly is... taking a nap.
Molly is... rotting in a gutter somewhere.
Molly is... angry because Heroes is starting to suck more and more each time she watches it but she can't stop because it used to be so good and she's secretly hoping that the next episode will blow her mind and all will be right with the world again. But it doesn't, and it's not. She just gets disappointed. Every. Single. Time.
See? Fun, right?
This glorious little function is generally agreed upon by the ever-expanding population of Facebook to be the most desirable part of the whole "FB" (that's what we seasoned veterans call it...FB) experience.
This is perhaps because people, myself included, are nosey.
We're also a self-indulgent generation. If it's not worth putting on the internets to make our peers jealous and for the rest of the world to see how obviously amazing we are, then it's simply not worth doing. This very blog might, in fact, be considered exhibit A to my argument.
But really...is the issue even foggy enough to warrant an argument?
The statuses on Facebook are the best part.
Everyone knows that.
Except the only problem is that you have to deal with all the other crap that Facebook spews forth from it's ever-widening gaping void of creative programming.
Send your BFF's bumper stickers!
Virtual bumper stickers!
With pithy sayings!
Even though they all live in different states!
Just by clicking a button!
Isn't technology FUN?!
I've often found myself pining, like so many of us no doubt do, for a land where statuses can be and are posted unencumbered by requests for offensive buttons on a fake bulletin board and electronically simulated gardens. Because there's no way any of the aforementioned things could ever exist outside of cyberspace. Especially with, like, wood and grass and stuff.
If only someone would have the innovation to create such a magical place and save us all from the horrific fate of having to sift through 97 requests to have a theoretical daiquiri via a computerized social-networking site with people you haven't spoken to since high school graduation.
If only such a world existed.
Twitter is nothing but status updates.
All the time.
With none of that other "applications" BS.
It's pretty much the coolest thing in the history of ever.
You can also put an RSS on your Blogger template so that the people who visit your blog (all three and half of them) can see what you're up to, even if they don't have Twitter accounts.
Now my mother knows when I'm watching re-runs of "Friends" and eating Thin Mints instead of doing stuff she asks me to do, like proof a design or get a degree.
It's just like living at home, except without the free food and rent.
And...AND! You can follow all sorts of famous people on Twitter. Unlike Facebook, people don't have to accept your friendship request to see your profile. So, you can poke around in peoples lives with complete confidence and total anonymity.
Like right now? I know that Ryan Seacrest has to pick out a suit for this weeks Idol taping, Dr. Drew just got back from Chicago, and Jimmy Fallon did NOT use audience plants for some segment on his show (PS- did you know Jimmy Fallon took over the Late Show? Maybe I'm the one who's been living in a cave in the desert).
All hail Twitter.
I can now poke my nose not only into the lives of people I actually know, but into the lives of complete and total strangers who also happen to be on TV.
And it's addictive.
Didn't they used to arrest people for this?
Yes, yes they did.
I believe the term used most often in restraining orders is "stalking."
Now it's perfectly legal.
My prayers have been answered.